Trying to let my Soul be Still

Last week my attitude was pretty bleak, I was worrying and stressing about things I couldn't change and couldn't do anything about yet. I know so many other people that are facing much more challenging situations, but I let myself sink in to my own problems. I felt far away from the Spirit and I was grumpy with my family and anyone else that showed their face to me (especially at nap time;)). Our house got messier--which never improves my mood--and I felt stalled in everything. I kept trying to keep up with my scripture reading and prayers, but I wanted to sulk and cry and wallow. My last post I could have made a lot worse, but I was trying to hide a lot of my feelings. But, thankfully, Heavenly Father still sent me some things that helped. I've been rereading John Groberg's book about his mission on Tonga (the movie The Other Side of Heaven is based on it, but the book is soooooo much better, read it!), and there were several small things he mentioned that sank into my hard head. Farris and I are reading the conference addresses for our scripture study together and no matter what the topic of the talk was, there was another assurance to let God handle things. The YW in our ward are getting ready for camp, and all of us leaders were supposed to write down our testimonies to give the girls throughout the week. In my present mood I have to admit it was a little tough, but bearing my testimony always helps strengthen my soul, so I wrote down some basic things that I know I do believe, even though I was struggling currently. I've also had some good friends reassuring me that everything will work out, they've seen it happen in their own lives. All these small things were adding together but I was still grumpy and stressed. On Sunday (after the usual haggling trying to get kids and self ready for 9:00 church, stress!!) I decided, well, really I think I was prompted to read the hymn "Be Still My Soul" during the sacrament. Farris noticed what I was doing, and he read it, too. Some of the lines that hit me were:

"Leave it to God to order and provide; In every change He faithful will remain. Be still, my soul; Thy best, thy heavenly Friend thru thorny ways leads to a joyful end." "Thy God doth undertake to guide the future as He has the past. Thy hope, thy confidence let nothing shake; All now mysterious shall be bright at last." "Be still, my soul: When change and tears are past, All safe and blessed we shall meet at last."

Then in Sunday School and YW's there were more assurances. I guess while I slept all these things jelled in my heart and actually meant something to me because I woke up this morning feeling peace, finally. Before Farris left for work this morning, I told him I felt better, and he told me about a stake priesthood meeting he went to last night. Someone quoted a favorite scripture of his, one that he hasn't thought about for awhile:

D&C 123:17 "Therefore, dearly beloved brethren, let us cheerfully do all things that lie in our power; and then may we stand still, and with the utmost assurance, to see the salvation of God, and for His arm to be revealed."

I've always had a hard time with letting Heavenly Father take over my life, I guess I'm too independent and hard headed--maybe hard hearted or stiff necked would be a better description, I want to do everything myself. If I can't see my path clearly I throw down the brakes and stress and bad feelings come pouring out. Maybe that's why Heavenly Father keeps putting me in these situations! When I thought we were going to live on the Rez the rest of our lives, I panicked and stormed, and then Heavenly Father reminded me that I promised Him I'd do whatever He asked. After a month of trying to align myself with that thought and finally feeling better about doing whatever He wanted us to do, He prompted us that it was time to move. He gave me that time to learn and now He's sending more lessons. Maybe I'll learn this time? I have a feeling this will be one of those things Heavenly Father has to teach me over and over again! I don't know, but I felt so peaceful this morning, I hope, pray, that I will be able to keep my soul still and CHEERFULLY let Heavenly Father take over. I'm not sure I can do it. But I'll be trying to let my soul be still.